A Beginner's Guide to Being Mental by Natasha Devon

Author:Natasha Devon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pan Macmillan UK

O

is for . . .

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DRIVE

A friend once remarked to me that I essentially have two modes – busy or asleep. I’ve lost count of the number of times my husband has said ‘Will you PLEASE come and SIT DOWN for TWO SECONDS?’ or wrestled my laptop or phone from my vice-like grip as I protest that ‘I’ve just got to finish this thing.’

I find it almost impossible to sit and do nothing. ‘Chillaxing’ is an alien concept to me. I can do it in groups (I justify it as quality bonding time) or alongside a vaguely productive activity, like walking a dog or cooking, but in solitude I find the notion of pure relaxation perversely stressful.

As someone with a proclivity towards anxiety, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told I ‘just need to relaaaaaax’. I’ve been instructed variously to take lengthy bubble baths, meditate, sit on the sofa and think of nothing, go out with no phone or other means of distraction and sit in a meadow, and other endeavours that, in my case, are akin to asking a fish to recite the complete works of Shakespeare.

A key component of the anxious mind is often a tendency towards perfectionism and to being one’s own harshest critic. So, in a turn of events that would be dismissed as laughably ‘First-World problem’ by most, I began to berate myself for my inability to relax properly. As I sat trying to concentrate on my own breathing, legs jiggling, repeating my mental to-do list like a mantra, I’d see in my mind’s eye the disapproving faces of my friends who, in their imaginary forms, were beseeching me to ‘practise what I preach’ and look after my own mental health.

Was I a hypocrite? According to some of the people I met at events, I was. ‘Weren’t you just in Scotland/Ireland/China?’ they’d ask. ‘How can you lecture on the importance of time and space for self-reflection, recreation and relaxation when you yourself hare around like the proverbial blue-arsed fly every hour of the livelong day?’

It was a valid question and it bothered me. It really did.

That was until I had the opportunity to interview a therapist specializing in anxiety, for a piece I was writing. He introduced me to the notion of obsessive compulsive drive. I told him about my incessant need to achieve, and how my studies in psychology had taught me that this was indicative of low self-esteem and would inevitably herald disillusionment, burn-out and despair.

‘Not necessarily,’ was his answer. ‘You are a classic obsessive compulsive. You don’t have the disorder, but your thinking is that of someone who has those tendencies. You could spend your entire life trying to fight it, but that would be exhausting. Instead, think of it as your driving force. It’s an advantage. Without it, you wouldn’t have done everything you have done.’

It’s important here to highlight what he was careful to emphasize – that I don’t have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD is

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